Imposter Syndrome

At that point, till 'Lean In' happened, it didn't matter how often and how bored I felt, by the constant repetitions and lack of substantive content in these book, what remained constant was that I simply couldn't get myself to wrap up reading on grounds that the books weren't good enough. Instead, I always ended up thinking that it was me who wasn't good enough. Think of it, this way - if I were a serious reader, wouldn't I be able to finish a book cover to cover, even if I found them mediocre ? Would I ever be taken seriously by serious readers if I ever disclosed to them that I cannot often read certain type of books, end to end ? Every time I would reach a stage when I knew the books would have gone repetitive, I would keep them by my bedside, and keep reading, every now and then flipping to the end page to see how far I was from the end - because if I didn't finish reading till the last word, someone would see me or I would get caught in a conversation somewhere on the planet, and wouldn't be taken seriously. There was this fear - a constant fear - and quite crippling at times, to sift through a book I had clearly considered mediocre or unworthy, just for the fear of being exposed.

It seems what I felt was the 'imposter syndrone' about which I might have heard earlier may be, but basically got around to knowing that it was a real thing, especially one which women suffer from quite a bit. It isn't a fancy thing - just one where one feels inferior and absolutely incapable of internalizing achievement and constantly lives under fear of being "outed" as a fraud. Sandberg drives home a point that women suffer more from Imposter Syndrome, than men do and cites an example from her life where her brothers were always more confident than she was. It wasn't until my younger brother almost laughed off at me for reading Bus-Pop end to end, that I realized between a white Jewish woman living in America and an Indian brown women living in India - there wasn't much of a gender construct difference, for, we both had brothers that did have more confidence than we did. My brother, almost non-nonchalantly mentioned to me, that it wasn't ever necessary to really read Bus-Pop with much seriousness, and that if one skimmed through the book and heard the author's interview or talk on Google or Ted, it was just about enough. 

Since then, and much later, I read Virginia Woolf's "A room on one's own', where Woolf mentions says if Shakespeare had a sister, an imaginary Judith Shakespeare, who was brought up differently from William Shakespeare - say, she was told she could not write poetry because women are not good poets, or that she could not be good at mathematics because women are not good at STEM - would she write in the manner that male William Shakespeare did and be as successful as William was ? Most probably not. In the worlds of William and Judith, Sheryl and her brothers, and me and my brother - it was the same story everywhere - the lack of access of knowledge, and even the courage and ease to pursue it, gets so truncated and difficult and often, impossible, if you are a woman. Woolf in her book mentions how hundreds of men have written about women, and on women, and as woman, as their lead characters, but so few women have been able to write about themselves.

Years and years, it angered me.  When I was told my men I had dated, that they found me intellectually stimulating for my knowledge of humanities, but "aggressive" when I refused to be part of a patriarchal rituals like Rakhi Bandhan or Bhai Duuj (which are Indian gendered festivals where women celebrate and pray for the long lives of their male siblings, and not vice versa). The fact that I could not think and choose my own identity - from gender to religion - was allowed only in theory, but not in practice. My parents have often told that I was more aggressive than my brother in my refusal to follow social norms - because even refusal to participate in any social norm that was clearly inequal or patriarchal must be done with politeness. 

Understanding my anger as a woman was easy, because I was a woman, and clearly a minority in most gender equations. My anger, legitimate, as also the anger of women, of colour or religion, different from mine, also equally legitimate, was a narrative I could relate to. That was a happy space, in my late twenties, when I had come to make peace with my anger, and felt no shame in my behaviour, but early thirties, brought in another dimension - what about anger of a group, who was alien to me, and in which matrix, where I was a majoritarian privileged group. 

When I first read Ahmbedkar's 'Annihilation of Caste' and compared it to everything I had read by Nehru and Gandhi after this realization, I was able to rationalise Ahmedkar's 'angry' style of writing for the first time, as opposed to the much smoother style of style by more privileged Nehru and Gandhi.I had almost discarded once in my late teens dalit author Kancha Illiah's 'Why I am not a Hindu' as a book without merit, and now, after a decade, I realised that I was the William Shakespeare, and he was the Judith in this case. Then, the peace I had felt, from the finding my voice in Judith, was replaced by the guilt I felt upon my discovery that I have been ignoring many Judiths all my life. 

Subway down the road

I discovered Subway circa 2003, in a store inside Brigade Mall on Brigade Road, Bangalore, a city where I had moved in from Calcutta to finish my graduation. My first order was placed with the help of a friend, who walked me through the various options of bread, sauce and vegetables, which I was completely unaware of and I was worried if all that was worth the effort, since the Sub came for the same price as a sumptuous plate of Chicken Biriyani from nearby iconic Meghna Biriyani. Even then, Subway was expensive for the amount of food it served to large-portion eaters, and continues to be almost equally priced now, that means a non-veg Sub costs as much as a plate of Chicken Biriyani. 

For me, growing up in middle class Calcutta in a socially upwardly mobile family of Bangladeshi Post Partition refugee background, to moving to Bangalore to study, Subway was more like a rite of passage to a more elitist world - one needed to know what a Jalapeno was, and not pronounce it the way it is written - that is, Halapeno and not Jalepeno. And then know, everything from Parmesan Oregano to Honey Mustard to Black Olives. Subway demands its customers come well researched and well versed with its menu, even if it means losing customers (or never having them in the first place).

Over the years, nothing changed with Subway - on one side my middle class upbringing did not let me order anything other than the cheapest option of Sub Of the Day (the only option that costs less than a plate of Biryani), and on the other side, Subway's own determination to never change its looks,  taste and equal conviction to provide the same element of "choice" to customers in terms of breads, vegetables and sauces, even though its sales never looked up in India. The only thing that changed was that occasionally I began to crave a Sub over Biriyani and also, that my dietary needs changed from a perpetually hungry student to a more diet conscious small-sized-portion-eating working woman for whom a 6 inch Sub would suffice as a meal. 

Subway's latest advertisement on YouTube, still positions itself as a brand that provides freedom by giving the element of choice to its customers. Still, after so many years, it still has not understood that Indians do not seek such choice in a country of standardized menus - that go to the extent that multiple Indian curries in most restaurant serve the same gravy base. 

But really, what is the value of such freedom and choice for those who neither know the difference between mint mustard sauce and chipolata ? Of all the time I have spent at Subway stores, there's always the divide between those what a Halapeno is and those who get bewildered by a Jalapeno. If you thought customer was the king for a brand, then Subway's counter-intuitive strategies to continue to bewilder, confuse and belittle the consumer's lack of knowledge of its ingredients and processes. My parents, for example, refuse to ever pick up a Subway for me, even if they visit a mall, because they mind the entire process too complex and too elitist and too alienating for them. 

The idea of 'Choice' among consumers as Sheena Iyengar correctly pointed out in her book 'The Art of Choosing' is very much a subjective cultural term.  Much like most of the books written in business book genre to which her book belongs (Iyengar is a business school professor), the core idea was illustrated and re-illustrated and re-re-illustrated through multiple examples - one of which was the idea of choice in the soda market. In many countries, a store stocking a few brands of soda would mean the consumers are spoilt over choice, whereas in the US, unless an entire section is stocked with more than 20 varieties of soda, it isn't really much of a choice for a consumer. In the former type, the idea of having access to a soda drink was considered immense choice of consumers (who were indifferent to the brand differentiation that existed in the category - a soda drink was a soda drink, as long as they could just about get their hands on any), whereas in the more consumerist society, like the US, a stack of soda options, with minute differences in taste, constitute enough "choice" for the consumers.

In India, no one orders a salad without standard dish with variations - except occasionally asking for mellowing down the spice content of the gravy. A biriyani isn't a biriyani, if you ask it to be made in olive oil and with brown rice, and an Idli is a Idli, served the same way all over India. 

Why then doesn't Subway understand that no one seeks choice in a sandwich, and that too a choice of items unknown to local palette and local taste? With its sales not growing world over, it almost seems like Subway is on its way to a dead end.

I had vouched when I began this blog, that it would not be a personal blog. In that sense, it would not be a blog where I would rant about my miserable life - about bouts of bad luck, or bouts of depression, both of which had been recurrent features in my life. I used to be the kind of person who wrote such blogs- in my earlier days, when I had just begun working, and was mostly horribly depressed and anxious. I had hoped when I would grow older (as in now, at whooping 33), I would have so much more depth to life that every touch to the keyboard would mint out something magically philosophical and substantial. 

Clearly, it did not happen. And, here I am, looking disdainfully, at how little I have written over the years, since this blog began. And worse of it all, how little I have in my mind now when I begin to write - almost like a recycled tabula rasa. 

On one side, there is a life - illustrated by the adage "days pass, nothing  happen. Years pass, decades happen" (that I picked up from a senior's Facebook page), and on the other side, the constant desire to remain creatively motivated - to write, to learn, and to be brave. Double Whammy !

In the mindless hours I spent on youtube, which is my  social media comfort cookie with tingles from ASMR videos, I learnt that people watch really stupid videos with no content, if they are in the form of  pointers - like, "Ten Heroines who were fat", or "Ten Child Actors who are now Dead" "Ten Facts you did not know about Leonardo Di Caprio" - get insane views. I am asking you - who are these people who watch these ?  Or is good content, an overrated idea, when all that people crave are mindless powerpoint presentations ?

Till I read Sheryl Sandberg's 'Lean In', I thought I was stupid because I couldn't finish reading a lot of books cover to cover. I wasn't a voracious reader, reading fifty books a year (or whatever those astonishing figures that Buzzfeed and Medium keep on tabulating) but I have been quite a stable reader, clocking somewhere between moderate and serious reading levels. 

It isn't really about the number or the speed really - it is more about how much I love reading and how books meant more and more to me, as I read more. Sometime around 2010, when I was overcoming a massively depressive phase of my life, my younger brother counseled me to take on a hobby - one that could cushion me from harsh realities of life and give me clarity and perspective. Depression and failure isn't something you could avoid, he told me with maturity way beyond his years, and neither could you have animate human beings at your disposal to ward off the miseries all times - inanimate wonderful pursuits like books, music, dance, and such, were the only way to survive dark phases. That's how I began reading (and writing blogs, intermittently) and grew out of pleasure reading mode to taking on more serious reading pattern that was therapeutic, rigorous and arduous - all at one. 

2010 was when I was fresh out of college, where I had trained as a lawyer, and prior to that I had pursued a year of English Literature. Setting into the real world - re jobs et al- could be very disorienting, once the honeymoon period of the first few months of salary hitting into bank account, wares off. This was the real world, and not college - and real people have goals and aspirations that are long term. I did have one a long term goal - to have my own business. Ever since I was a kid, I grew up wanting to work in advertisement and fell in love with consumer psychology. As easy as it was to want to be an astronaut or a tennis star as a kid, my grown up self knew how difficult it was to pull it off, and then, pull it off long enough, to be successful at it. 

Like the all things complex and painful, I turned to books. I had two clear set of reading types - one was the very popular business genre on economics, consumer psychology, behavioral economics, biographies of business leaders, which I will call 'Bus-Pop'. The other was the serious and tougher version of stuff that actually moulds the soul - the Philo-Cool stuff - as in the cool philosophy that came from a lot of reading of western and Indian Philosophies, reading Tolkein, Virginia Woolf, Primo Levi, Tagore, and a very eclectic mix that went from learning about painting to learning about coding. 

In my early years, the ratio of Bus-Pop : Philo-Cool, was about 80:20. Bus-Pop was cool as cucumber and Philo-Cool was as tough as stone - compare Thomas Friedman's 'The world is Flat', the first best-seller Bus-Pop I picked up, and Sarvapally Radhakrishnan's 'Introduction to Indian Philosophy' (which I still have not finished or understood the parts that I actually have). So distinct were these two genres that even if one didn't know which one I was reading, it was easy to guess - one I would reading lying on the couch, chatting with friends on my then-cool Blackberry, and the other I would read sitting upright on the chair and making notes diligently on the table. Former made me feel triumphant, and latter made me feel inadequate and slow. 

Over the new few years, I began to devour every single Bus-Pop book off the shelf with monstrous hunger, partly stemmed from the fact that I had chosen against a formal MBA and I had to catch up with all things MBA and Business Magazines subscribed to, and partly because I was growing older in law firm, un-happier, and felt that life was slipping by me.

As I read more, the more wary I became of the shallowness of Bus-Pop genre. A vast majority of them had one sentence proposition, which would then be repeated a million times, further supported by a few studies of sample groups done by cognitive researches, and then explained and illustrated through real life experiences of real life achievers in six chapters. Take for example, one of the last few books I read, is Carol Dweck's 'Mindset : The New Psychology of Success'. In this book, she argues that individuals with a 'growth mindset' lead a far more fulfilling life than those with 'fixed' mindset.  Let me assume that you have not read this book, and all you have is this one line summary - would it very difficult to understand the core principle of the book ? In the rarest of the rarest scenario, that this isn't clear, I will set out the proposition in more elaborate terms - those with Growth Mindset put a higher premium on learning and improving, and thus are not scared of failure, whereas those with Fixed Mindset stop learning, stagnate and get bowed down by failure. So there you have it, except the author explains, re-explains, and re-re-explains it with the help of about a hundred examples of different persons, spread over 200 pages. 

Or, take the example of David Brooks' "Road to Character' - where he argues that it is more important to be have 'eulogy virtues' (those that make good character qualities, like kindness) than 'resume virtues' (those that make good resumes, and we all know what those are already), only to explain this gregariously through the lives of eight great persons, spread over eight long chapters, picking up anecdotes from the lives of each of these great souls. 

Yet, books like these sell, and sell like hot cakes. The entire cult of such books that glorify the likes of Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Elon Musk, and make them into pop heroes of perseverance and growth mindset, together with an industry of videos on Ted, where there are thousand of videos that talk about the benefits of being perseverant and hard working. Tell me, what's new about that ? Did we not know that success comes from working endlessly, through failures, for a long time. If nothing, India's ancient phiolosophy text, Bhagwat Geeta, amongst others in other religion, have been propagating the same philosophy for centuries. 

It is almost believed that if one reads these books, one becomes an enlightened soul - there is something orgasmic, pornographic vulgarity that is rarely associated with philosophy, per se . Read one biography of Elon Musk, and you are almost a peer to him - giving the right to quote him and his life, to mark one's superiority over normal mortals. Musk (whom I greatly admire) sought his life's meaning from incredibly difficult books of the Philo Cool genre, including Lord of the Rings, 800 pages by Tolkein is not an easy read, though easier than the books on rocket science he usually reads. 

My deepest regret is that Philo-Cool doesn't become cool, and land up on hot sellers list, even though every great person, has, in effect, achieved enlightenment through these books. 

Brand Watch : Reverse Snob Value

Bata is an ubiquitous shoe-product in Bengal, so much so that it gets an honorary mention in the movie 'Namesake' by Mira Nair, where the loving grandmother specifically tells the house-help to pick up a pair of  bathroom slippers 'only from Bata' for her visiting NRI grandchildren. It truly captured the spirit of association of the brand with the Bengali middle-class customers that have grown to love the brand for years. 

There is very little to dislike about Bata - the products are reasonably priced, quite fashionable for the price and sasta-tikao for Indian use. It is also the  inventor of curious style of pricing - where it often charges 1 paisa less than a whole figure, to create a psychological impression on the mind of the customer that a product costs less its price. Say, instead of INR 400, the product is often priced INR 399.99. My entire childhood was spent being trying to riddle this quirky marketing tactic, which Bata became famous for.

With time, Bata has now become more of a middle-class product, not associated with a snob value that it once was in a more stagnant market with fewer players. As a brand, I would think it would want to sell its trusted brand image, or position itself as a fashionable up-market alternative if it wished to change its target customer base. Instead, it goes ahead and decides to stamp the price of its products on the products itself - because reverse snob-value of shaming a customer's cheap shoe can't be such a great idea.

Yes, my feet are pretty small, but that apart, tell me - Why would a company do that ? Shoes in India are opened at doorsteps before entering houses, thereby making the price tag very visible. While it wouldn't impact much of its older customer base, who are more value conscious and less status conscious, it would surely not be a great way to rope in younger generation. 

I am at loss to understand why a company like Bata would do this. Then again, it isn't just Bata, but many more Indian shoe makers who keep adopting the same style - Khadims, Heed over Heels, etc. 

Again, same question - why ?